In relationships, we all have our fights, and
having the occasional heated debate with your significant other is even
healthy. But when these fights cross into full-blown blow-ups, the arguments
can quickly get out of hand. Follow these 10 tips for effective anger
management if you want to enjoy a lasting, loving relationship.
1. Know when to make an exit. Remove
yourself from a situation you can’t handle. If you can’t gracefully leave the
room, gracefully change the topic.
2. Exit earlier than you think you need to. Exit
when your anger is at a level three on a scale up to 10. By the time you’re up
over level four, exits will become increasingly difficult. Self-righteous
indignation will propel you to keep trying to prove your point and will make
your wants seem all-important. (As a friend of mine once put it, “My anger
makes what I want feel holy and what you want is totally insignificant.”)
3. Change your focus. Phew.
You’ve separated yourself from that situation you couldn’t handle. Now what?
Focus on something other than what you were mad about. Avoid further thoughts
about the person.
4. Evoke
peace and laughter. Find something to think about that evokes calm images or even
laughter. Close your eyes and picture yourself on a beach.
5.
Breathe deeply. Clear the air emotionally by clearing the physical air in your
lungs. The same slow, deep breathing that helps when you’re falling asleep in
bed can bring cooling energy to you when you’re trying to douse your inner
fire.
6. Relax
your muscles. Hang your arms limply. Focus especially on relaxing the little
muscles around your mouth and eyes.
7. Put on
a smile. Even if you have to force yourself — just smile. Smiles soothe
(even fake ones), and bring forth positive thoughts and feelings of gratitude
or affection.
8. Test
the waters. Before you try addressing the issue again, prepare by picturing
yourself offering gestures of niceness. Plan to talk about pleasant topics
before resuming the tough one. Be sure that you and your partner are securely
back in an emotionally light zone before venturing again into sensitive realms.
9. Make
agreements. Re-launch the tough topic by agreeing on points made by your
significant other. Start the conversation by saying empathetically, “I agree
that we’ve put this issue on the back burner.”
10. Talk
through the problem calmly and effectively. listening to the other
person’s point of view. Share your concerns on the tough issue, but keep your
tone relaxed and collaborative, and look for solutions that work for both of
you. This final tip has a number of subtleties to keep in mind. Transition your
sentences using the phrase “and at the same time” and not the word “but.” (For
example, “And at the same time, my concern is … “) The word “and” is
collaborative; “but” deletes whatever was said just before and consequently
could knock you both back into adversarial hostile stances.
The goal is to add your perspective by quietly explaining your concerns,
not insisting on particular solutions like a child having a temper tantrum (not
sexy). These tips have focused mostly on what to do, all of which involve focus
on yourself, on calming distracting thoughts or on how to improve the
situation. Stay clear of accusing and blaming. Focusing on what you don’t like
about what the other person has done will only cause more relationship
problems.
Learn these techniques of self-soothing, plus all you can about
how to communicate in intimate relationships and you just might find yourself
much more successful in making your relationships last. With the ability to
prevent and also to fix marriage and other other relationship problems, you may
even find yourself feeling increasingly secure and self-confident.
"It’s easy to start an argument, but no one
really likes the pain. Not you and not your partner. So now that you know how
to deal with arguments in a relationship, try to play nice!"
Reference: www.webmd.com, http://www.lovepanky.com,
